Bad Attitudes: An Uninspiring Podcast About Disability

Episode 61: Let's Talk About Sex

March 20, 2023 Laura Stinson Season 3 Episode 6
Bad Attitudes: An Uninspiring Podcast About Disability
Episode 61: Let's Talk About Sex
Show Notes Transcript

CW: Sex, pornography, mention of sexual assault

Seriously, why are y'all so obsessed with me?! Kidding! Thank you for not asking me incredibly rude and invasive questions, unlike the Ableds I talk about in this episode.

Email badattitudespod@gmail.com

Follow @badattitudespod on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter

Support the pod ko-fi.com/badattitudespod

Be sure to leave a rating or review wherever you listen!

FairyNerdy: https://linktr.ee/fairynerdy

Support the show

Watch my TEDx talk

Email badattitudespod@gmail.com

Follow @badattitudespod on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and Threads

Support the pod ko-fi.com/badattitudespod

Be sure to leave a rating or review wherever you listen!

FairyNerdy: https://linktr.ee/fairynerdy

TRANSCRIPT OF “LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX”

[rock guitar music]

MALE VO [00:03]
This is Bad Attitudes.

[rock guitar music]

LAURA [00:20]
Hello friends and strangers! Welcome to another episode of Bad Attitudes: An Uninspiring Podcast about Disability. I’m your host, Laura.

Why are non-disabled people so obsessed with disabled people’s sex lives?

Today’s episode could be sponsored by YOU. If you would like to sponsor an episode, visit ko-fi.com/badattitudespod and make a donation. Every donation gets a shout-out in a future episode and your donations help keep the pod running.

If you like this episode, share it and the podcast with your friends. Word of mouth is absolutely the best way to grow this podcast and our community. And please make sure you are rating and reviewing the podcast on your preferred platform. It really helps me out!

For questions, comments, or ideas, email badattitudespod@gmail.com or reach out through social media. Follow @BadAttitudesPod on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.

As always, I want to remind you that disability is not a monolith. My experience as a disabled person is going to be different from the experiences of other disabled people. I am one voice for the disabled community but I am not the only voice.

[rock guitar chord]

LAURA [01:45]
Ask any disabled person — especially any visibly disabled person — and I guaratee that at the top of almost all their lists about the most invasive, rudest, and most ridiculous questions they’ve ever been asked will be, Can you have sex, or How do you have sex?

A, that’s none of your business. And B, why do you even care?

I mean, to an extent, I kind of get it. Those of us who are interested in sex — ie, anyone who’s not asexual or voluntarily celibate or whatever — think about sex at least sometimes. Probably more if you’re not having it. But what right does that give us to arbitrarily question strangers about their sex lives?

I understand being curious. For me, when I see a couple that consists of one really tall partner and one really short partner, I have questions. But, those are inside thoughts. I feel like, aside from transgender people, disabled people, as a group, are subject to the MOST questions about how we use whatever is in our pants.

I just don’t understand being THAT interested in how other people are having sex. When I think about other people having sex, it’s mostly in the context of “Why isn’t he having sex with me?” I rarely — never say never, I guess — think about the mechanics of other people’s bedroom activities.

I wonder about things in a general sense. Like, I wonder how threesomes work with all those extra limbs. Or, I wonder how strong your core has to be to maintain some of the positions in the Kama Sutra. Or, I wonder if there are people who actually enjoy some of the things I hear about.

But I have NEVER —there’s an exception to every rule — considered approaching a stranger and just ASKING them about their sex life. Yet, on a fairly regular basis, non-disabled people are approaching disabled strangers and asking them just that.

If I’m not having sex with you, you don’t need to worry about how I do it. And, let me be clear, if you — a total stranger — approach me to ask me how I have sex, I will NOT be having SEX WITH YOU.

There is just so much about this whole situation I simply don’t get. Again, I do not understand being so interested in a total stranger’s ability to have sex. And I sure as hell do not understand the entitlement that must accompany such a question.

Is it porn? Is it the sheer abundance and availability of porn that makes people think anyone’s sex life is up for discussion? I’m morally ambivalent to porn (except when it exploits women and promotes dangerous attitudes about sex). You do you and all that. But you have to admit that anyone anywhere can access porn in multitudes heretofore unimagined. And not just basic, softcore stuff, but serious, hardcore, even dangerous porn. It’s just up for grabs. Even posting homemade porn and deepfake porn is big business now. If random people are willing to share the most intimate moments of their lives with literally ANYONE, should we be surprised that they expect reciprocity when it comes to asking total strangers invasive questions?

First things first, nobody wants to see your homemade porn. Gross. IF I were going to watch porn, I need production value, okay? Good lighting. A soundtrack. Make an effort.

Secondly, even if YOU want to share that with the world, not everyone else does. No one I know has a strong desire to share the details of their sex lives with total strangers. Especially not with some douchebag who just rolls up to you in the grocery store aisle like, “Hey. So, how do you do it?”

Thirdly, I bet if you put in a little effort, you could find some stuff out for yourself. I won’t do it because I don’t want to go down THAT rabbit hole, but I bet you can google, “How disabled people have sex” and find a wealth of titillating information.

Or, hey, you know, there’s an episode in the first or second season of Friday Night Lights where Lila and Jason are trying to figure out how to get their groove on now that Jason is paralyzed. They have books, videos, even tools to use. It would have probably helped if Lila wasn’t also sleeping with Riggins, but you can’t really fault her. No offense to Scott Porter, but Taylor Kitsch is [kissing sound] chef’s kiss. 

But none of that explains where the sense of entitlement comes from that a person MUST possess in order to even consider asking such a question and LEGITIMATELY EXPECT AN ANSWER. The people who do this actually expect the disabled people they’ve approached to give them a well-considered, thought-provoking answer. Without even a little bit of an attitude. And then get PISSED if we don’t comply.

Imagine if I, a disabled woman, approached a non-disabled man randomly and asked him, “Hey, how big is your dick?” The guy would lose his shit. (Assuming he didn’t whip it out to show me, which is highly disturbing to consider but also entirely possible.) No one — NO ONE — would find that acceptable. Yet, if that same man approached me to ask how I have sex, oh, that’s fine.

I say with all seriousness, I consider this a form of sexual assault. And not just when it affects disabled people. Questioning anyone in any way about their sexual practices that is not explicitly consented to is sexual assault. I don’t know what the legalities are, if any, and I believe that it would be nearly impossible to prosecute, but nonetheless, my opinion stands.

That being said, among the MANY things disabled people do not owe non-disabled people is education. We do not have to educate you on ANYTHING about disability if we choose not to, but most especially on the personal and private workings of our bodies. YOU do not have the right to be upset if we refuse to answer your questions. WE, however, have EVERY right to be upset that you would approach us with such questions in the first place.

These kinds of questions dehumanize disabled people. You would not approach any non-disabled stranger and ask them if they can or how they have sex. (If you would, that’s a MUCH bigger problem.) Asking us such questions strips away our humanity and relegates us to something like a science experiment, or better yet, a sideshow attraction. When freak shows were de rigeur, do you think the attendant masses thought of those individuals as human beings like them? Of course not! They were basically zoo animals to be gawked at. (Side note: Freak shows were often populated by, you guessed it, DISABLED PEOPLE.) Sideshow viewers did not extend to the “freaks” the consideration they would give to one of their peers, and these types of questions shows the same lack of consideration towards the disabled community. 

If you wouldn’t ask it of someone non-disabled, why is it okay to ask someone who IS disabled? Unless you don’t think of them as equal.

And that’s the bottom line. The person who would ask a disabled person about their sexual abilities does not view disabled and non-disabled people in the same way. In their view, one is superior to the other.

And if you’re STILL confused about how disabled people have sex, let me put your mind at ease: All the same things go in all the same holes or not, depending on your proclivities.

Thanks for listening and I’ll talk to you in the next one.

[10:47]
[rock guitar music]