Bad Attitudes: An Uninspiring Podcast About Disability

Episode 59: AITA Disability Edition

March 06, 2023 Laura Stinson Season 3 Episode 4
Bad Attitudes: An Uninspiring Podcast About Disability
Episode 59: AITA Disability Edition
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

The title pretty much says it all. We're reviewing a disability-themed AITA story from Reddit!

Email badattitudespod@gmail.com

Follow @badattitudespod on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter

Support the pod ko-fi.com/badattitudespod

Be sure to leave a rating or review wherever you listen!

FairyNerdy: https://linktr.ee/fairynerdy



Support the show

Watch my TEDx talk

Email badattitudespod@gmail.com

Follow @badattitudespod on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and Threads

Support the pod ko-fi.com/badattitudespod

Be sure to leave a rating or review wherever you listen!

FairyNerdy: https://linktr.ee/fairynerdy

TRANSCRIPT OF “AITA DISABILITY EDITION”

[rock guitar music]

MALE VO [00:03]
This is Bad Attitudes.

[rock guitar music]

LAURA [00:20]

Hello friends and strangers! Welcome to another episode of Bad Attitudes: An Uninspiring Podcast about Disability. I’m your host, Laura.

Let’s try something new today!

Today’s episode could be sponsored by YOU. If you would like to sponsor an episode, visit ko-fi.com/badattitudespod and make a donation. Every donation gets a shout-out in a future episode and your donations help keep the pod running.

If you like this episode, share it and the podcast with your friends. Word of mouth is absolutely the best way to grow this podcast and our community. And please make sure you are rating and reviewing the podcast on your preferred platform. It really helps me out!

For questions, comments, or ideas, email badattitudespod@gmail.com or reach out through social media. Follow @BadAttitudesPod on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.

As always, I want to remind you that disability is not a monolith. My experience as a disabled person is going to be different from the experiences of other disabled people. I am one voice for the disabled community but I am not the only voice.

[rock guitar chord]

LAURA [01:43]
As I said, we’re going to try something new today. I love when content creators respond to Reddit’s Am I The Asshole stories. It’s fun getting the different perspectives and listening to content creators take assholes to task for their behavior. This particular story has been making the rounds lately, and I’ve decided to take a stab at it because, unfortunately, all the creators I’ve seen responding to it have been non-disabled. While they can absolutely offer valid perspectives on stories where disability is central, I do think it’s important for these stories to be analyzed from the disabled point of view.

So, let’s jump in.

AITA for calling out my sister for not making her wedding accessibility friendly for FAMILY?

For context, I (34F) am a single mom to my daughter Mia (8F). Mia has been disabled since the day she was born and needs wheelchair assistance and constant care whenever she is awake. I absolutely love her to death and it’s only been us during this entire journey, so I’m definitely super protective of my little girl.

I also have a sister Cassidy (28F) who just called me about the logistics/plan for her wedding in six months to her fiancé Max (27M). She said the wedding was going to be at a beach near our city, and it will completely be held in the sand: basically a 35-person ceremony right by the water followed by a bonfire and barbecue also in the sand. She said she just wanted to let me know before she sent the official invite because of Mia.

I truly have never been more shocked and disappointed in my sister. You would think she would at least check in with me before she reserved the beach space because Mia obviously can’t come. And now she’s only telling me because it’s set in stone and there’s nothing she can change. I tried explaining how hurtful this is to Mia because Mia loves her auntie, but she’ll be absolutely heartbroken not being able to attend the wedding. It’s already so difficult raising a child with disabilities without a partner, but when even family is this inconsiderate and cruel, it’s truly the worst feeling.

Cassidy immediately started deflecting saying her and Max checked to make sure the beach had a sand-friendly wheelchair for me to rent ($110/day) … the audacity to ask your guests to be paying just to make it to the event (especially when she knows I cannot afford this). Then she said how she will not change the location because her and Max met on this very beach and it has been their dream ever since to get married here after they also got engaged here.

When I suggested she pay for the rental, she kept saying how her and Max already had to cut so much out of their budget and plans because they also can’t afford much. Like you’re already paying for a whole wedding, but can’t afford a rental for your FAMILY to come? I was talking to some moms of children with disabilities and they all agree that it sounds like Cassidy doesn’t even want Mia there and is using all of this as an excuse. I’m thinking about just telling her that we won’t be attending her wedding and supporting a person who’s inconsiderate to her own family.

So Am I the Asshole?

[rock guitar chord]

LAURA [05:21]
My gut reaction is this: Either everyone involved is an asshole, or no one is. Everyone involved has valid points, but everyone involved could have also done better. And, there’s actually a lot we don’t know.

The OP states that Mia needs constant care when she’s awake, but that isn’t indicative of the severity of Mia’s condition. Plenty of parents think their kids need constant care while awake, disabled or not. And the OP says she’s very protective, so there’s a chance she’s being helicopter-y. To me, there’s a difference in saying Mia needs “constant care while awake” and Mia needs “around the clock care.” One makes the situation sound exponentially more severe.

The OP also states that Mia needs “wheelchair assistance,” but doesn’t elaborate on what this actually means. Some people, like me, need a wheelchair to get around, but don’t have any issues with moving to different seating, be it in a vehicle or other furniture. On the other hand, some wheelchair users have wheelchairs so customized that they literally cannot sit anywhere OTHER than their wheelchair for significant amounts of time.

Keep in mind, in 2022 at least one woman DIED as a result of injuries acquired after an airline damaged her highly-customized wheelchair, because the chair no longer offered the support she needed.

If this level of customization is what Mia requires, then it is very likely that a beach wheelchair is not going to be adequate for her. Beach wheelchairs are usually made from PVC pipe and fabric; nothing very supportive and certainly not adequate for long hours of sitting. If Mia does require such a wheelchair, then I would expect that her aunt would be aware of this. But, the OP doesn’t say anything to make me think this is the situation at hand. Another question: Does Mia control her own wheelchair? Beach wheelchairs typically have balloon tires and cannot be manuevered except by another person. If she is in control of her own wheelchair, either because it’s a power chair or under her own power, asking her to spend several hours in a beach wheelchair is asking her to give up her autonomy and independence for several hours. Yes, she’s 8 years old, but even 8-year-olds are allowed agency over their own bodies.

If any of the above is the case, then I think the OP is not entirely out of line to expect her sister to consider her daughter’s accessibility needs.

The real question I have is how close the bride is with her niece. Because my gut is telling me that the OP thinks her sister and daughter are much closer than they actually are. 

If the bride was as close to her niece as the OP seems to think, she would have considered all the issues I raised. That doesn’t mean the bride doesn’t love her niece, and doesn’t want her at the wedding, just that she isn’t as tuned in to Mia’s requirements as the OP believes she is or should be. She and her fiance may feel like they have done their due diligence in asking if the beach had a beach wheelchair for rental. I don’t believe the bride doesn’t want Mia at her wedding. I think that she simply isn’t as aware of Mia’s needs as her mother is.

I do think it is the couple’s responsibility to pay for the wheelchair rental. A lot of comments made a big deal out of people paying a lot more than $110 to attend a wedding, but the beach wheelchair is only needed specifically because of the venue the couple chose. Attendees are going to pay for travel, gifts, accommodations, etc, regardless of the wedding venue, be it a beach or a church. But the wheelchair is only needed BECAUSE they will be at a beach. Since that was the couple’s choice, that’s the couple’s responsibility.

The wedding venue is up to the couple. No one can dictate that choice for them. However, if someone important to them is disabled, it is up to them to fully consider that person’s accessibility needs. I think a lot depends on the relationship between the couple and the person. For example, if my sister wanted to get married on a beach, I would expect her to go beyond just seeing if a beach wheelchair is available for rent because she knows that a) that would be uncomfortable for me for a long period of time and b) that I would not want to give up my autonomy for that period of time. If I had a disabled child, I would expect my sister to give that child the same consideration, because I anticipate that my sister would be very close to my hypothetical kids.

Which comes back to what I consider the real issue: how close are the bride and her niece? The OP mentions that Mia loves her aunt, but doesn’t spend any time on how her sister feels about or interacts with Mia. Do they spend a lot of time together or talk a lot? We don’t know. But it certainly doesn’t feel that way. For that matter, how close are the bride and the OP? We are given no indication as to their relationship and not all siblings are close. I think we naturally assume that sisters are close, but that may well not be the case.

So, I’m back to my original conclusion: Either everyone is an asshole or no one is. The OP is well within her rights to be concerned about the wedding’s accessibility. The bride and groom are well within their rights to choose to get married wherever they like. They made an effort to ensure the venue is accessible for Mia. Could they have done more? Sure, but they aren’t REQUIRED to do more — unless Mia’s presence is vitally important to THEM. I’d say the worse thing they’ve done is expecting OP to pay for the wheelchair rental. That should be their responsibility. It would be a bit like ensuring they’re offering a vegetarian option for food. Not everyone is going to take advantage of it, but they would be incurring that extra cost to make sure those attendees felt welcome and were taken care of.

The OP doesn’t really have the right to be angry that her sister didn’t ask for her input on the wedding venue. It’s not her wedding and it’s not Mia’s wedding. The bride did what she thought was necessary to arrange accessibility for her niece, but she didn’t go above and beyond, which is why I believe, again, that she and Mia are simply not that close.

As a side note, some comments on the original story suggested that OP just get a sitter for Mia. Depending on Mia’s level of need, that may not be a possibility, and it’s very easy for people with no experience with disabled children or caregiving for disabled children to think it’s a simple thing to get a babysitter for a disabled child.

Do you agree with my assessment? Did I miss an asshole?

Also, let me know what you think of this type of content every so often. I think it’s a fun change. For one thing, we get to judge people and that’s ALWAYS fun. Plus, we encounter situations that require us to think about how disability and the non-disabled world intersect. I’ve browsed through some other disability-related Am I the Asshole stories and some of them are WAY juicier than this! So I definitely think I want to do it again!

Thanks for listening and I’ll talk to you in the next one.

[13:10]
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AITA Story
Story Response