Bad Attitudes: An Uninspiring Podcast About Disability

Episode 30: I Could Pull Joey Batey

February 28, 2022 Laura Stinson Season 2 Episode 7
Bad Attitudes: An Uninspiring Podcast About Disability
Episode 30: I Could Pull Joey Batey
Show Notes Transcript

Valentine's Day and all its attendant happy couples got to me this year, so here's an episode reminding myself (and everyone) that disabled people are worthy of love and can get anyone they want!

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Support the show

Watch my TEDx talk

Email badattitudespod@gmail.com

Follow @badattitudespod on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and Threads

Support the pod ko-fi.com/badattitudespod

Be sure to leave a rating or review wherever you listen!

FairyNerdy: https://linktr.ee/fairynerdy

TRANSCRIPT OF “I COULD PULL JOEY BATEY”

[rock guitar music]

MALE VO [00:03]
This is Bad Attitudes.

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LAURA [00:20]
Hello friends and strangers! Welcome to another episode of Bad Attitudes: An Uninspiring Podcast about Disability. I’m your host, Laura.

This episode is going to be a little different, something of a confessional episode. Let’s see how it goes, shall we?

Today’s episode is sponsored by Michael Murphy. Thank you, Michael!

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As always, I want to remind you that disability is not a monolith. My experience as a disabled person is going to be different from the experiences of other disabled people. I am one voice for the disabled community but I am not the only voice.

Valentine’s Day hit me hard this year. Normally, the holiday doesn’t bother me much; I’m usually in a mood of “Woohoo, Singles Awareness Day, half-priced candy tomorrow!” But this year, alas.

It’s hard being disabled and single because society repeatedly tells us we are not worthy of love. That makes it difficult to be disabled and in a relationship, for that matter. If we’re single, we’re overlooked because of our disability. If we’re partnered, our partners are vaulted to pedestals of martyrdom for being with us.

Disabled people aren’t supposed to be sexual or romantic. We’re SUPPOSED to be child-like and innocent because that is the image perpetuated by society. Think about it. What do you see more of in the media: disabled adults or disabled children? Between telethons and advertisements and the general lack of disabled representation in popular entertainment, there is a dearth of disabled adults in the media. But the constant impressions of disabled children reinforces the notion that ALL disabled people are child-like because we begin to associate disability with childhood and dependence.

And children are not meant to engage in romantic or sexual relationships. Therefore, if you begin to associate disability with childhood, you DON’T associate normal adult behaviors (like romantic relationships) with disability. And if a disabled person IS in a relationship, the association of disability with dependence skews the perception of that relationship.

So, yeah, I’ve been in a funk since Valentine’s Day. Because I’m single and that’s been my default state for most of my life. Growing up, I didn’t see any relationships that had at least one disabled partner. So I didn’t think I could have that, even though it was something I desperately wanted. I’m also something of a hopeless romantic, so even though society was telling me I couldn’t have it, I kept desperately hoping that I WOULD have it. But because of the messages I was internalizing, I didn’t really BELIEVE I could have it, so it felt like a futile hope. This constant wanting of something that I didn’t truly believe I could have resulted in an ongoing cycle of heartbreak. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. I didn’t believe anyone would be interested in me because of my disability (because that’s what I was being TOLD), so no one was interested in me. 

To tell the truth, when I left college and went into an all-female workspace, it was kind of a relief. Being that I’m attracted to men, I wasn’t going to fall into any unrequited crushes in this space. I was able to live my life without worrying about FEELINGS. Of course, I only recognize it as a relief in hindsight. But now I see how freeing it was to not be in a situation where I was going to develop feelings for someone, only to nurse heartbreak because the feelings were not returned, and the constant wondering if I was ever going to find someone who saw my worth.

Everyone talks about how bad social media is for us, but I would have benefitted so much from having disabled content creators to look up to, to see that it is possible for someone like me to find love and be in a healthy romantic relationship. It probably would have changed my pattern of developing endless crushes because I never took a chance, believing that no one would want me. So I just kept nursing these feelings without having a place for them to go, or a way to move on from them. Thankfully, eventually, they usually burned out.

Unfortunately, those messages about disability and romantic relationships weren’t just coming from outside my life, they were coming from people IN my life as well.

Remember how, when you’re growing up, you see some adults you don’t see very often and they ask you the standard questions? How’s school? What’s your favorite subject? Do you have a boyfriend? In all my years growing up, I was only asked ONCE if I had a boyfriend. I know for a fact it was once because I was so excited that these people even thought I could HAVE a boyfriend. They probably thought I was exceptionally weird given how excited I was to tell them no, I did not have a boyfriend.

Well into my twenties, whenever I lamented being single, my grandma would say I was too young to date. I guess I finally reached an age where THAT wasn’t going to fly anymore. My granddad would always tell me to “market myself,” and to this day I’m still not entirely sure what he meant by that. It always sounded like he wanted me to be a hooker, although I’m relatively certain he didn’t mean THAT.

The thing that sticks out most in my mind is something my mom said to me when I was a teenager. I was either in my last years of high school or my first years of college and I was complaining about not having a boyfriend (again). And she said, “The problem is you only want the hot guys.” Which I found unfair for a number of reasons.

First of all, barring celebrities, historically, the guys I’d been interested in were not the best looking guys on campus. They weren’t repulsive, but there were no Henry Cavill look-alikes among them. In terms of physical attractiveness, they were average.

Secondly, it felt a little like the pot calling the kettle black when you consider my dad. It sounds weird to say, but when my parents met in high school, my dad was — and still is — above average in terms of attractiveness. I had friends in middle school saying things like, “That’s your dad? He’s so good-looking!” My mom is no slouch in the looks department, but the fact that she seemed to think I SHOULDN’T be looking for an attractive man felt off-brand. Unless, of course, she thought I couldn’t get one.

That brings me to my third point which is, was she saying I didn’t deserve someone other people might deem “hot”? Was I just supposed to settle? Was I just supposed to accept whatever I could get, my own wants be damned? And while I’m confident she didn’t mean that and she probably thought she was just making a joke, the fact that she said it at all just reinforced those negative messages I had already internalized about what kind of romantic life I deserved.

We cannot forget that intent does not equal impact. Her intent was most likely benign but the impact was not. Obviously, since it’s been 20-plus years, and I still recall how I felt in that moment with utmost clarity.

There was a guy in college who I’m fairly confident I could have pulled. He was average looking, but he made me laugh, and having a good sense of humor is half the battle with me. But I was so afraid of being rejected because I had internalized so many negative messages about what I could or could not have in terms of romantic relationships, I never even tried. And I regret it to this day. I’m not pining over him 20 years later, but I regret not taking that chance and seeing if it could have gone somewhere.

I didn’t know my worth then, but I know it now. I’m still terrified of being rejected because of my disability, but I know, in my gut, if the right hot guy gave me a chance, I could do pretty well for myself.

I don’t think I could pull Henry Cavill. Henry Cavill is like the epitome. Perfect smile, strong jaw, cleft chin, British accent. Henry Cavill is a solid 10. And that’s just above the neck. 

But, I am fairly confident I could pull Joey Batey. If you’re unaware, Joey Batey plays Jaskier the bard in The Witcher, alongside Henry Cavill, and he is my newest celebrity crush. If Henry Cavill is a 10 above the neck, Joey Batey is a HARD 8. At minimum. Go watch season 2, episode 7 and tell me I’m wrong. But Joey Batey seems much more approachable, in the sense that I probably wouldn’t become a blithering idiot in his presence.

That still feels like I’m underselling him. To me, Joey Batey and Henry Cavill are BOTH 10s. I’m equally attracted to both of them. I would become a blithering idiot in the presence of either. Put them in the same room and try to make me choose between them, I would try to tear myself in half in order to have both. But society has determined that there MUST be a hierarchy of attractiveness and it is this determination that makes me feel more confident in pulling Joey Batey than in pulling Henry Cavill. And it is also this determination that makes me feel that, really, I would be unworthy of either. 

There’s that word again: Worth. All things being equal, I know (intellectually) that I am worthy of both Henry Cavill and Joey Batey. But all things AREN’T equal. Because society at large tells the Henry Cavills and Joey Bateys of the world that they are worth MORE because, what, their faces are symmetrical? Because people fawn over them because they are well known? But I’m worth LESS because I’m thicker and use a wheelchair. 

Reality is skewed by what we have been told by this mythical force known as society. Society has told us that certain physical attributes are inherently worth more than others and so many of us (myself included) have not just internalized that, but have tattooed it on our psyches. There is no laser removal for psychic tattoos.

Of course, the idea that I could pull Joey Batey is just conjecture and the problem with all of this conjecture is that Joey Batey and I don’t run in the same circles. So, sure, I COULD pull him, but first I have to meet him. Or open up some virtual line of communication. That’s where y’all come in. If you know Joey Batey, send him this episode. Maybe he’ll find me compelling. You think I’m kidding, but I am not. If you can reach Joey Batey, do your girl a solid. She is single and OKCupid is not going great and she wants a man with a British accent who can play the lute, OKAY?

So, yeah, OKCupid isn’t going great. I know I said I was going into that experiment with low expectations and I stand by that. That doesn’t mean it’s not discouraging that NO ONE has reached out. But what’s more discouraging is that I haven’t come across anyone that I’ve wanted to connect with, either. Not one person since I last talked about it in an episode. And that brings up an uncomfortable thought I’ve had before, which is, “Maybe he doesn’t exist.” And that is a difficult thing to say out loud.

I know some people would say, “Well, you just need to lower your standards,” but why should I have to compromise on the things I want? That is not to say that there ISN’T anything I would compromise on. My future partner doesn’t HAVE to have an English accent. I will happily date someone who is Irish, Scottish, Welsh, New Zealander, Australian, even someone with a European accent like Italian or French. 

Obviously, I’m joking; I’m not going to let an accent dictate my relationship.

Or tattoos. I love tattoos and find men with tattoos attractive. To an extent. Face tattoos are disturbing. But I’m not going to automatically write someone off because they don’t have a tattoo. In fact, I don’t think Henry Cavill has any tattoos and I would date him in a hot minute.

I can also compromise on grammar and spelling skills. It will be rough for me because I know who I am and that is a grammar snob, but I can learn to love him past it. I think.

But things like a sense of humor or being intelligent or kind or generous or respectful? Those things aren’t negotiable. 

And I shouldn’t have to compromise on being with someone I’m not attracted to. I had a friend growing up that my mom always called her future son-in-law. He was everything I ever wanted in a boyfriend, except that I was never physically attracted to him. Ever. He was — and still is — a great guy. His girlfriend is lucky to have him. But things between us were only ever platonic.

But, let’s say he HAD been madly in love with me. Should I have settled for a relationship with him knowing I wouldn’t be completely happy, and knowing that I was basically lying to him? A million rom-coms say no, and they obviously can’t be wrong.

I know this episode felt a little disjointed, but I did promise it was going to be different. I wrote it in a stream-of-consciousness style, and it isn’t too far off from what I might write in my private journal. Allow me to reiterate a few key points just to make sure they hit home.

Disabled people are not children. Just because the media reinforces a correlation between childhood and disability does not mean that disabled adults are childlike. Therefore it is perfectly acceptable and NORMAL for disabled adults to want and be involved in romantic relationships, with all that entails.

Additionally, the non-disabled partners of disabled adults are NOT martyrs or saints for being in a relationship with a disabled person. Interabled relationships are NOT one-sided.

A disabled person shouldn’t be expected to settle for quote “whatever they can get” just to be in a relationship. We are allowed to hold out for the very best partner for us, no matter how long they take to find.

It is ridiculous to assign a numerical value to physical attractiveness. We are attracted to who we are attracted to, and that’s neither right nor wrong. It’s absolutely normal to not be attracted to someone even if they are OBJECTIVELY an attractive person. That being said, this is not an excuse to say, “Oh, I’m just not attracted to disabled people.” The spectrum of disability is broad and varied and trying to say you’re simply not attracted to the entirety of disabled people eliminates a significant portion of the population. Disability is not  — or at the very least, should not be — factored into a person’s attractiveness.

Despite evidence to the contrary in this episode, I am not stalking either Joey Batey or Henry Cavill. They were simply convenient illustrative examples for points I was making. Disability doesn’t make me less worthy of these men, even as society would fervently argue the opposite. Disability doesn’t make it less likely these men would find me appealing, again, despite society’s objections to that fact.

So, if, by some miracle, Joey Batey DOES listen to this podcast, hopefully, he’ll listen this far and realize I’m not as unstable as I may seem. I’m counting on y’all to make that happen.

Even if I don’t land THE Joey Batey, my point stands. There is NOTHING about me that makes me unworthy of him or someone I find equally desirable. We — disabled people — need to take control over the messages society forces upon us. Stop internalizing negative ideas about ourselves. Start shouting the truth from the rooftops: That we deserve love. That we are worthy of love. And that we will HAVE love.

Thanks for listening and I’ll talk to you in the next one.

[18:12]
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