Bad Attitudes: An Uninspiring Podcast About Disability

Episode 28: Hey Jealousy

February 14, 2022 Laura Stinson Season 2 Episode 5
Bad Attitudes: An Uninspiring Podcast About Disability
Episode 28: Hey Jealousy
Show Notes Transcript

Jealousy is a common human emotion. Is it different for disabled people? (Spoiler alert: No.) Let's talk about jealousy and if there are ways we can deal with it.

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TRANSCRIPT OF “HEY, JEALOUSY?”

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MALE VO [00:03]
This is Bad Attitudes.

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LAURA [00:20]
Hello friends and strangers! Welcome to another episode of Bad Attitudes: An Uninspiring Podcast about Disability. I’m your host, Laura.

How often do you feel jealous of someone else? Particularly if you’re disabled and the person of whom you’re jealous is not.

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Before the holidays, a listener reached out and asked if I would do an episode talking about jealousy, specifically, how to deal with the jealousy we feel as disabled people.

I’ll be forthright and admit that I may not be the best person for the job, as I am something of an envious person. It’s not something I’m proud of, and my tendency to jealousy has mellowed as I’ve gotten older. Still, it’s probably no coincidence that jealousy is the green-eyed monster and I, too, have green eyes.

First and foremost, jealousy is a natural human emotion. It’s something we all deal with, regardless of whether we’re disabled or not. It’s not something to be ashamed of, unless you indulge in those feelings to the detriment of your own life and your relationships with others.

As a disabled person, it’s easy to be jealous of non-disabled people. After all, non-disabled people don’t have to worry about how or if they’ll even be able to access a particular place. They aren’t dealing with limited energy reserves. They aren’t victims of ableism. Strangers aren’t particularly interested in their medical histories. The list goes on.

Honestly, I think it would be weird if we, as disabled people, didn’t feel some level of jealousy towards non-disabled people for the reasons I listed and many more. Because being a disabled person is exhausting. Not just from the sheer fact of being disabled, but from being caught up in a daily fight for access and respect. The fight for disability rights doesn’t end. It’s not something we can take a break from. And seeing that non-disabled people don’t have to give ANY of that a second thought is frustrating, and naturally incurs jealousy.

When it came to my own experiences with jealousy, I had to look at how I was contributing to it. For example, if I was jealous of someone for a perceived opportunity, I had to consider whether I was given an opportunity that I chose to ignore that might have led me to be in a situation similar to the one I was now jealous of. And, sometimes, the answer was yes. Occasionally, I had overlooked or passed on an opportunity that might have taken me down a different path.

Of course, sometimes I didn’t have a choice but to pass up a given opportunity. One common experience of living with a disability is having to make hard decisions. And sometimes those hard decisions mean passing on opportunities. It’s incredibly frustrating, but disabled people are constantly having to balance their physical health and well-being with opportunities put before them. And when that is the case, it is perfectly natural to feel some jealousy towards people who do not have to choose between one or the other.

Jealousy seems like it should be straightforward, but it’s really a complicated emotion. Sometimes it makes perfect sense, sometimes it makes no sense at all. Sometimes it’s a minor emotion, sometimes it’s all consuming. Sometimes it stands on its own, sometimes it’s part and parcel of something else.

Looking back now, I can see that when I was dealing with my strongest feelings of jealousy, I was also dealing with my undiagnosed depression. I noticed a definite down-tick in my feelings of jealousy once I was being treated for depression.

This does not mean that your feelings of jealousy are a symptom of an undiagnosed mental illness. But mental illness can exacerbate our otherwise natural feelings of jealousy and make them much bigger than they might be.

I don’t have any sage advice on how to deal with feeling jealousy as a disabled person, as far as it concerns non-disabled people. It’s not something that’s just going to go away. The realities of the disabled struggle are always going to be there, and non-disabled people are never going to have to deal with those particular struggles unless and until someone close to them or they themselves become disabled.

So, are the things you’re feeling jealous of worth being jealous of? Is it worth the energy? By that I mean, is the thing you’re jealous of something you could feasibly achieve? For example, it’s basically a waste of energy for me to be jealous of people who can walk because that’s not something I can feasibly achieve. I’m always going to be a wheelchair-user, and getting worked up over the fact is not healthy for me. If you’re feeling jealous of something you could achieve, then put the energy you put into feeling jealous into working towards that goal. But, if it’s not, consider whether you’re benefiting yourself by giving into those feelings.

I know it’s easier said than done. We can’t just will our feelings of jealousy away. But we can acknowledge that they’re unhelpful for us, and that’s a first step.

Now, the listener who reached out also wanted me to address something specific to her and her feelings of jealousy. Specifically, she can’t drive and she is jealous of her sibling who can. But her sibling makes it worse by mocking her for not being able to drive.

The issue here is not jealousy. The issue here is having someone in your life who is an asshole. It’s totally normal and acceptable to feel some jealousy at not being able to do something like drive. It is neither normal NOR acceptable to give someone a hard time for something they can’t do because they’re disabled.

My sister has done a lot of really cool things that I’m jealous of. Not being disabled, she’s had a little more freedom than I have in that regard. But not once has she ever purposefully rubbed my nose in it, or made fun of me for not being able to do something because of my disability.

I know it doesn’t work this way for every family, or even for most families, but your siblings are supposed to have your back and lift you up, not bring you down.

I don’t know this listener’s family dynamics, so what I have to say may be good advice, but that doesn’t mean it’s viable. But, ultimately, this is about boundaries. Laying down the law with your sibling and letting them know that their treatment of you is not acceptable.

I don’t know if this listener is dependent on her sibling for transportation, which would make things exponentially more difficult. I also don’t know how old these people are. The number of factors that could affect this entire situation are almost limitless. However, even given that fact, I must reiterate that the problem here is not jealousy; the problem is having someone in your life who behaves like an asshole.

If the listener is dependent on their sibling for transportation or any kind of care, I might even go so far to say that this treatment borders on abuse.

Let me say again that jealousy is something we all deal with. It doesn’t make us weak, it makes us human. And, let’s not forget, disabled people are, in fact, human. I know. I probably should have warned you before dropping that bomb.

I wish I DID have some sage advice on how to get over your jealousy. But you can’t rationalize jealousy. You can’t talk yourself out of it. The best we can do is recognize that jealousy is what we are feeling and try to determine whether it is doing us any favors.

If it’s not doing you any favors (and unfortunately it usually isn’t), try to redirect that energy somewhere more positive. Especially if your jealousy is centered on non-disabled people, it might be helpful to you to focus your energy on the fight for equal access and rights for the disabled community. Doing what you can to improve the situation for your community can help take your mind off whatever it is you might be jealous of.

Focus on yourself and what other people might be jealous of YOU for. Because there is ALWAYS something. For me, it’s my hair. For my entire life, people have made comments about being jealous of my hair. Figure out what that is for you and lean into it. Embrace it. Let them be jealous.

Because being jealous of other people may lead to you not feeling great. But having other people be jealous of you always feels good.

Thanks for listening and I’ll talk to you in the next one.

[10:05]
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